Ep. 29 A Couple Without Falling in Love pt.1

Written by Cordelia, edited by Grace

In this episode, we're diving into a TV show first aired in 2022 Winter: A Couple Without Falling In Love (恋せぬふたり) the first TV Show production about Asexulaity and made by NHK.

Listen to the full episode :

About the Show

TV Show, A Couple Without Falling in Love aired in 2022 winter, starring Yukino Kishii and Issey Takahashi. This is one of very few Japanese tv show about asexuality, and long overdue but perfect timing for a lot of audiences who are ACEs. 

The TV series revolves around the relationship of two aromantic and asexual people.

At the very beginning of the show, they give a super direct statement, “in this world, there will be no one who does not desire romantic relationships.”

Is Romantic Relationship Necessary?

Sakuko and Takahashi are the two main characters of the story. Sakuko is an A-zero, and Takahashi-san is an aromantic.

At the very beginning of the story, like the first 2 minutes of the first episode, Sakuko’s boss makes a huge assumption that stupid enough to piss every Ace off : after all, there should be no one who doesn’t desire romantic relationships or falling in love with another human. Sakuko does not reply to this statement. She goes quiet. 

Sakuko and Takahashi first meet at the supermarket where Sakuko and other co-workers check up the new productions’ display. Sakuko and Takahashi, two friendly people, introduce themselves to each other. Her supervisor cannot hold back and says, “oh my god, you guys, are you guys falling in love at first sight?”

Takahashi-san doesn’t reply to his question but says, “I think there must be people in the world who will never ever fall in love or desire romantical relationships. I am sure. There must be.”

Sakuko only wanted to help her junior co-worker, but because of her openness and friendliness she was being targeted. Her junior co-worker totally misunderstood her, and thought her friendliness was a romantic gesture to him. After being rejected by Sakuko, they could no longer work together, and Sakuko is blamed by their boss for it. People who are hetrosexual, such as her boss and co-workers, always put forward the idea to Sakuko that as a marketing staff member, she should gain experience in romance to understand the norm of human relationships, so that she can do her work to promote her product better, and so that she will know how to communicate with other people better.

I like this drama a lot, not only because I identify as aromantic and am waiting for a show like this to call the attention to ACE, but also, within the first 10 minutes of the show, all the issues and misunderstandings, and also struggles around ACE people are all displayed, which is very relatable. 

ACE

In the show, Sakuko has to stop questioning herself at the beginning about whether she is doing something wrong, whether she is a sociopath or not, or if there is anything wrong about her. [Again… what is normal honestly.]

Sakuko questions herself on whether she does anything wrong to make other people misunderstand her. Which is extremely common to many queer people. The first thing we think is always, what is wrong with us. 

So, she sits down somewhere in the park, and googles, “what is “the one”?” then searches, ”not understanding romantic relationships.” Then adds, “Is it weird to not be able to understand romantic relationships?” Among all the dating apps and other soulmate related information, there is a web page which is named, “Aromantic Information and Awareness: little or no romantic attraction to others…”, and what really gets her attention, is a blog called, “Feather Cabbage's Non-Romantic Diary.”

In the article, Sakuko finds a sentence, “It is truly weird that to think no romantic feelings is wired or wrong.” Then, Sakuko starts searching for information about aromantic, then asexual, then asexuality. So soon, Sakuko falls into an internet rabbit hole, but this time, it has taught her something new about the world and other people, and later, herself. 

The blog she comes across, which is written by an Aromantic writer, she reads many many times, and then finds out the writer is the person she met in the market earlier, Takahashi. In his blog, he challenges the social norms and share his own perspective and arguments.

This blog, soon,  gives Sakuko a sense of community and belonging.  And then later, she finds out the writer is Takahashi-san. He offers her an orientation about asexuality at his house, over tea.

Sakuko shares her thoughts on she wants company, she loves her family, but she, like many other aces, have to avoid people and crowd because they cannot be accepted as aces, or only being alone will help them to avoid the stupid question, “why are you still single? What is wrong with you?”

Internet helps, and conversations with a friend or friends from LGBTQ2+ community helps.Takahashi-san helps Sakuko to understand herself better. First of all, there is nothing wrong be an ace, being ace is not cold, heartless, or amoral. 

Being an ace, does not mean anti-social or not willing connect people. They just won’t connect people in the same why other sexuality will be. 

So, here is the definition: 

Asexuality is an orientation, not an ideology. 

Asexuality is lack of sexual attraction to others, or love or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.

Aromantic is not romantically attracted to be or desiring of romantic relationships at all. 

Here is more from the Asexual Visibility and Education Network website, Asexual people can have a wide variety of attitudes towards sex, both in a wider cultural sense and in personal relationships. 

Takahashi-san is an aromantic. He prints out a test to Sakuko to learn about her own sexuality. 

Sakuko knows how hard to find a person can understand her own sexuality and the fact that she doesn’t need to try hard to please Takahashi-san, oh by the way, Sakuko has the very typical people pleaser character;  therefore, she invites Takahashi-San to become her family, her chosen family. 

No romantic relationship but to be family.

Sakuko moves into Takahashi's old family house, and starts her journey of learning asexuality. 

Takahashi is an ideal housemate, he doesn’t need Sakuko to try hard but just be herself, he doesn’t need Sakuko to please him, but to organize her life in her own way.

Other People

Here, tannin, other people, means people besides ourselves. People around us, or those who are watching.

They always have a say about our life and what we need to do.

To Sakuko, the other people in the show are her hetrosexual friends, co-workers, her parents, and her ex. And for Takahashi-san, other people are like everyone else..

Before going into this part, to understand Sakuko better, I would like to explain to my listeners some East Asian culture on parents and parenting.

Similar to all kinds of cultures in the world, many people in Asia care about what people think about them and how people think about them, they care about their face a lot. Furthermore, they care so much about their parents, a huge number of people care about their parents’ thoughts so much that they literally need their parents’ approval for anything they do. They live to please their parents, to meet partners’ expectations.

No judgment here.I am just sharing a way of living. 

Sakuko grew up in a very traditional family. Her parents told her and her younger sister that all they need to do is to grow up, go to a better school, work, and then get married and then have kids. This is normal, this is what normal human beings are supposed to do. 

[Again.. What does "normal” even mean?]

So, as a people pleaser, Sudoku cares about her parents a lot, even though she is unhappy, she is still wanting to meet her parents expectation, by trying her best to accommodate them to make them happy and less worry about her.

After Sakuko told her parents that she moved in with Takahashi-san, her mother insisted Sakuko bring Takahashi-san over for dinner. Because Sakuko;s parents cannot accept that their unmarried daughter moved out to live with a male before marriage.Sakuko did. And Takahashi-san agreed, not only because he loves seafood, but also, after Sakuko moved in with his other people, his neighbors finally left him alone and never set him up for blind date anymore. Takahashi-san even agreed to pretend to be Sakuko’s boyfriend. 

After hearing multiple times Sakuko says, I don’t want to make my parents worry,“ Takahashi-san shares his perspective on it, he says, “I hear you, Sakuko, but your parents are themselve, and you are your own self. They are hard to please like all other people, no matter what you do they will still have opinions, do this or not do this, this is right or that is wrong.”

He keeps on going, “You are an adult, you don’t have to have their permission on everything you do, right? You are totally free and have the right to have some distance with them and then reconnect later if they are ready or you are still available. First of all, you need to find a way to deal with things that you don’t have to always sacrifice yourself.”

Stop pleasing others. Please yourself.

Other people have their lives, and you, have your own. 

And you are only responsible to make sure your life is in order, not others.

When other people are butt into your life without your consent, tell them to leave, draw the boundaries, and never feel ashamed of your self-love actions.

Ah! 

Takahashi-San, yes! Thank you!

What is Normal Happiness?

At Sakuko’s parents’ place, Sakuko’s younger sister, god, this sister, I am like… okay, I will try to keep calm, Sakuko’s younger sister, and her husband, and Sakuko’s father ask so many personal and inappropriate questions to Takahashi-san, like, how old you re, what job do you do, what is your blood type, what is your zodiac, which school did you go, where is your parents?

Like countless personal questions. I was so mad when I am watching this part. 

After so many questions was asked, they insist on that once Takahashi-san and Sakuko get married, they will be having a normal family and normal life.

After hearing so many times, normal and normal and normal, like over and over and over time, Sakuko cannot help but starts getting emotional, she returns the question back, “what do you mean by Normal?”

“What does a normal family mean?!”

Then she comes out to her family just like that, she says, “I am Ace, I don’t understand love, I don’t understand kiss, I don’t even understand sex.”

After hearing sex, her mother gets embarrassed and asks her to stop. 

Then Sakuko returns the questions again, “Mom, you kept telling me to get married and give birth to children as early as possible, but why do you always dislike to hear about sex? Without sex how a kid will be made? Without sex how a kid will be made normally as you all mentioned about NORMAL?”

Facing Sakuko’s coming out, everyone goes quiet, and even frozen. Sakuko’s younger sister blames and shames Sakuko like always, “you, you made people feel bad.” I really dislike this younger sister…. For so many reasons.

Then Sakuko’s Mother says, “if you guys live together then you two must in a romantic relationship, because there is no one on the earth can become a family without romantic relationships.”

Ugh…

Then she goes on, “I cannot accept it! This is not normal!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Then there is no need to accept or understand,” Takahashi-san says, “I just don’t understand why you guys keep on making the statement about normal and unnormal, those people, those LGBT people. We are just making a family in our own way, why.. We are not allowed?”

This long scene basically displays what a normal Japanese would think about Ace in general, and to be honest, not just Japanese, I think every ace in every corner of the world can all relate to. 

Too relatable. So frustrated. So annoyed. 

What is normal? What is the normal thing that everyone is chasing for?

Normal is such an objective term and perspective to look at anything.

Ace has always been seen as cold or impossible or unreasonable or even amoral. The people we saw like Takahashi-san in the media were killers, psychopath. Simply because they are selfish people they only want others for sex. 

Therefore, Ace, aromantic, azeros cannot have family, because they don’t love normal.

But, artn’t the common sense is totally misunderstanding the meaning of family?

To Sakuko and Takahashi-san, their relationship are more like friends or buddies who fight together, they are on each other’s side to make sure and look after for each other, a kind of care, and a kind of passion – therefore, this is their shape of family.

In Angela Chen’s book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, “in many cultures besides romantic relationships and sex is the root of marriage, in some other cultures marriage was often more of an economic partnership than a love match.” There is indeed other type of marriage is exist, but in the current Western culture, or in many contemporary society, marriage is only equal to romantic relationships. But, a relationship between Sakuko and Takahashi-san, a friendship-kind relationship or romantic friendships “were passionate on their own terms because passion is possible in many types of relationships.”

There is not one way of thinking about normal. 

There are many types of relationships that people can bring to make their own family or the lifestyle they want to have.  

Ending 

This is the only part 1 on A Couple Without Falling in Love. There will be more, as right now it is vital to make this community more visible. 

Before ending, I would like to share some questions from the questionnaire that Takahashi-san gives Sakuko to learn more about asexuality with listeners. 
You are welcome to think about these questions on your own or share with us in the question area of this podcast on Spotify.

Question 1. Have you ever wanted to monopolize a particular person?

Question 2. Have you ever felt sexually attracted to someone else?

Question 3. Do you have negative feelings towards romantic relationships?

Question 4. Do you have negative feelings towards others’ physical touch?

Question 5. Do you have resentment feelings towards  people asking you questions about your romantic relationships?

Question 6. Do you have resentment feelings towards people asking you questions about your sex life?

Give a thought about these questions and maybe find Angela Chen’s book to find out more about Ace and Asexuality. 

As of now, the TV show isn't available in English. I've personally translated any dialogues referenced in this episode, which will be listed in the references section. This episode has been edited by Grace and authored by me, Cordelia.

Thank you once again for tuning in.

Until next time, take care and stay tuned for our upcoming episode!