Ep. 30 A Couple Without Falling in Love pt.2

Written by Cordelia, edited by Grace

In this episode, we're diving into a TV show first aired in 2022 Winter: A Couple Without Falling In Love (恋せぬふたり) the first TV Show production about Asexulaity and made by NHK.

Listen to the full episode :

**Romantic Feelings**

In the third episode of the TV show, "A Couple Without Falling in Love," Sakuko encounters an ex-boyfriend at her workplace. Despite their breakup, this ex-boyfriend still believes they're in a romantic relationship with a special attachment. He thinks and wishes for this. Sakuko, however, has a vastly different perspective. No matter what, this person, Kazu, shares the same belief as their boss, thinking that everyone desires romantic feelings and relationships. To Kazu, almost everything about Sakuko reflects romantic feelings.

Aside from Sakuko, who identifies as an "azero," aromantic, and asexual, she shares her experiences. Being female, friendly, or simply wanting to be friends with others is often misinterpreted as sending romantic signals. Sakuko, like many aces I've spoken with and those who have shared their experiences online on Reddit, has faced blame and shame from others, particularly from "allos" who experience romantic and sexual attraction, misunderstanding her friendliness.

I recall a time when I was being kind to the cashier at an LCBO, and he smiled at me. After paying and leaving the store, my friend who was with me said, "that cashier likes you, the way he looks at you, oh god, you should have left your phone number with him." I asked, "why?" My friend responded, "because you were nice to him, and immediately everything changed." They continued, "I don't understand why you're still single. Dating seems very easy for you; you're very good at flirting."

Flirting? Misogyny. "I was kind because I am a kind person, not because of him."

"The moment I'm kind, I'm shamed for being flirtatious or for sending signals that I want sex," Sakuko shares in the show. Due to her different interpretation of romantic feelings compared to others, she struggled during her school and university years. She attempted to date, but after rejecting a friend's kiss, this guy retaliated and made her university life even more challenging. Despite her prior university experience, under pressure from her parents and sister, she entered a relationship with Kazu for a while. According to Takahashi-san, it was a terrible mistake.

In Victor Karandashev's book, a psychologist, he defines romantic feelings as, "according to people around the world, typically including: infatuation, idealization, wanting physical and emotional closeness, wanting exclusivity, wanting one's feelings to be reciprocated, overthinking the other person's behavior, caring and being empathetic towards the other person, making life changes for them, and becoming more obsessed if they don't reciprocate your feelings."

This is the basic definition, and it aligns with what most people believe, including Kazu, who even tells Sakuko that laughing together is equivalent to dating.

However, according to Leigh Hellman, a queer writer of short fiction and creative nonfiction, these feelings are not exclusive to romantic relationships. Angela Chan, in her book "Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex," shares a conversation with Leigh, highlighting that all the emotions and feelings listed by Karandashev, which supposedly differentiate romance, can also be found in other emotional settings. Sensitivity, attachment, and caring are integral aspects of any healthy relationship. Just as Leigh tells Angela, "I can be jealous, I can experience adoration and devotion towards my friends; all these intense qualifiers that we usually associate with romantic love."

**Sexual Attraction and Romantic Attraction**

Sakuko worked diligently on the survey that Takahashi-san shared with her, paying close attention to his responses. In a kissaten, Sakuko shares her own stories, not just about past romantic relationships but also her experiences with sexuality.

Being in Takahashi-san's position is undeniably challenging, in my opinion. He has been an exceptional life partner for Sakuko and a remarkable mentor. It's important to remember that Takahashi-san in the story identifies as aromantic.

In the kissaten, after hearing Sakuko's story, Takahashi-san states that most people in the world believe that sexual desire is a prerequisite for romantic love. However, if that were true, children who haven't gone through puberty wouldn't have crushes. As Angela argues in her book, based on her research and interviews with University of Utah psychologist Lisa Diamond, surveys show that children, including those too young to understand sex, frequently develop deep attachments. Removing romantic love from sexual desire is not widely accepted, not only in East Asia but also in the Western world. People struggle to accept that some individuals simply want to pass on their genes, so they add love to make it more emotionally acceptable. But they also stigmatize those who don't follow the same path.

Angela Chen contends in her book that "sexual attraction and romantic attraction don’t need to align." While sexual attraction is a desire to propagate one's genes, romantic attraction doesn't necessarily hinge on sexual attraction. However, most people deny this, as they believe that sex without love is inherently immoral. As depicted in the show, Sakuko only understood sexual behavior because people told her in the past that it's something everyone does, which led her to never question it until she experienced it and felt profoundly uncomfortable. As Sakuko puts it, "there is no joy at all."

Even though it's challenging to share, Sakuko is becoming more open with Takahashi-san. Sometimes, it's not that people are unwilling to open up; it's that we're all waiting for the right person, in the right space, and at the right time to share our true selves.

Once again, witnessing the relationship between Sakuko and Takahashi-san is deeply comforting. Back in 2021, I longed for someone with whom I could speak so openly, and now I have people around me who allow me to do just that. If I could travel back to the winter of 2021, I would love to let my past self know this.

Sakoku doesn't experience romantic feelings, or perhaps experiences them in very limited amounts. Before moving in with Takahashi-san, when Sakuko was on the verge of leaving her parents' house to move in with her high school friend, Chitsuru, an unexpected twist occurred. Chitsuru showed up and revealed that her ex wanted her back, forcing her to break the rental lease with Sakuko. She claimed she couldn't control her feelings for him because she is human. But what does it mean to be human?

This is a theme that Takahashi-san has also grappled with, as he wasn't valued as a human by others for a very long time simply because he identifies as aromantic.

Angela shares in her book that in 1908, a Russian poet named Alexander Blok wrote, "only someone in love has the right to be called human." A century later, the pop singer Demi Lovato echoed a similar sentiment: "You ain't nobody 'til you got somebody." As long as there's no romantic partner in the picture, others tend to view the picture as incomplete. This suggests that only someone in love—and the poem implies it's love for a romantic partner—has the right to be called human. In the eyes of many, Sakuko isn't considered fully human simply because she lacks romantic feelings for others.

The notion that having sex without romantic feelings is morally wrong is prevalent. Angela writes in her book, "Regardless, the desire for romantic relationships is often seen as necessary to prove one's morality, and aromantic individuals face judgment, with their humanity denied."

Aromantic individuals recognize that elevating romantic love ultimately harms everyone. They patiently wait for others to catch up.

As Angela Chen eloquently expresses in her book, "love and caring are precious and can manifest in contexts beyond the romantic." However, this idea is often denied by most people worldwide, much like Kazu in the show.

**Love Is Not Necessarily Tied to Romantic Relationships**

Apart from Sakuko's younger sister and her family, another significant character in this story is Kazu, Sakuko's ex-boyfriend. Based on Takashashi-san's assessment of Kazu, he's someone who "understands sex without love but doesn't comprehend love without sex. Everything in his eyes revolves around romantic love." Kazu is quite typical in this regard. He can't accept Sakuko's rejection, not because he loves her, but due to his own ego. He obsessively follows Sakuko and Takahashi-san, driven by his infatuation with Sakuko. Using love or infatuation as an excuse to harm others is unjustifiable.

Anyway, because of Kazu, this "love-is-all" individual, Takahashi-san was injured. Consequently, Kazu moved into their house, citing two reasons: to care for Takahashi-san and because he believed that when a man and a woman share a room, something is bound to happen, as it's what society typically expects. By the way, Kazu displays super misogynistic tendencies.

Thus, Kazu is there to police Sakuko and Takahashi-san. In his eyes, even a simple discussion about emergency contact persons, conversations about breakfast, Takahashi-san preparing meals for Sakuko, and their mutual willingness to help one another are all perceived as romantic gestures.

Oh my god...

I'm sure Kazu isn't alone in holding these beliefs.

Kazu, though challenging, serves as a character who, albeit inadvertently, helps us understand Sakuko better. After having guests from Takahashi-san's workplace at their house, Kazu earnestly tries to console Sakuko, assuming she'd be jealous of Takahashi-san's female co-workers. However, he learns that Sakuko has no jealousy whatsoever.

So relatable... I've always encountered trouble with people similar to those co-workers, and many aces I know have shared similar experiences.

During a one-on-one conversation between Kazu and Takahashi-san, Kazu discovers for the first time that the concepts of "falling in love" and "romantic love" were only introduced into Japan during the Meiji era. Before that, these concepts didn't exist. That's why "I love you" was initially translated as "the moon is pretty tonight" in the first translation. The idea of love has evolved numerous times over time and in different societal structures. Humans aren't inherently wired to pursue only romantic love.

This isn't to suggest that humans don't desire love, but not always romantic love exclusively. Love takes on various forms: love from friendships, love from family, and self-love. All these forms of love and care are essential in their own right, and they aren't necessarily replaced by romantic love.

What I'm trying to convey, echoing Takahashi-san's point in the show, is that if someone doesn't love themselves and expects others' love to fill that void, it may work to some extent, but it can't replace self-love. The desire to be loved and held isn't necessarily derived solely from romantic relationships.

People who firmly believe in "ROMANTIC-LOVE-IS-ALL" often seek completion through others but forget that they can find completeness within themselves.

**Ending: There Is No "The One" - There Are So Many**

In the third episode, after helping Takahashi-san gather all the points cards' gifts, they sit at a coffee shop.

Sakuko often hears from people around her that she's unlucky in romantic relationships. They tell her she doesn't know how to navigate relationship discussions and has no interest in them. From her best friend to co-workers and her ex-boyfriend, they all tell her the same thing: "one day, you will find the one."

If you've ever visited the asexuality group on Reddit or the Douban group, you'd discover that nearly every ace has heard statements like, "you just haven't found the one yet" or "your luck hasn't led you to the one."

Honestly, people, it's time to stop.

What if there is no "one"? What if there isn't a specific kind of person out there?

From a sexuality perspective, for asexuality, there isn't necessarily one specific person. From a spiritual standpoint, one person can have numerous soulmates or soul families; it's not confined to just one individual.

Returning to the question posed in part one: is a romantic relationship necessary? No, it's not. It's not a requirement for everyone. However, love is.

As of now, the TV show isn't available in English. I've personally translated any dialogues referenced in this episode, which will be listed in the references section. This episode has been edited by Grace and authored by me, Cordelia.

Thank you once again for tuning in. We'll continue our discussion of this TV show in future episodes.

Until next time, take care and stay tuned for our upcoming episode!